Sometimes I just don't understand people. They baffle me. I probably baffle some of them, too, but that's beside the point. I don't understand how some women can callously throw away the life of their unborn child, how anyone can beat the life out of a child, how a person can justify abuse of any kind,...my list could go on for a while, but you get the point.
I also don't understand how we still have people in our world who are educated but still labor under the belief that a baby isn't real until it he/she is breathing. I know that I was pregnant---WITH A BABY---not some mass of cells that could have morphed into anything. I SAW HER---saw her heart beat, watched her turn somersaults and bounce around, saw her teeny tiny hands. SHE WAS A BABY, AND SHE WAS MY DAUGHTER.
However, this author apparently thought that we need to go back to the dark ages regarding miscarriage and stillbirth. It's the kind of article you'd expect a guy to write, only it's a woman. A woman who has never experienced a loss like this, and who did not stop to think and sympathize with those who have had such a loss.
To her, this kind of loss is an "eeeeewwww, icky" kind of moment. Why? I agree that we live in an over-sharing kind of society. But in all of the oversharing that is out there, I don't think I have yet to go 'hmmm, that babyloss momma is just waaaaay oversharing there. She needs to just ignore what happened and just get over it." I think of all the women who overshare about their pregnancies, their infants, their kids, their husbands, their dogs/cats/whatevers, and it bothers me greatly to think about how it is still considered taboo to share about the loss of your child who never drew a breath.
I'm still trying to figure it out, but I think it boils down to worldview. My worldview is that life begins at conception, that all life is loved by God, and that He grieves with us when that life is cut short--by whatever cuts it short. He grieves when a woman chooses to cut that life short, and He grieves with you when it's not your fault that your child's life is cut short.
The worldview of this author seems to be that life does not begin until a breath has been taken. She is "concerned" by these crazy women and families that choose to acknowledge that this tiny infant was a real person, that he/she was loved by a family, and that just because you have a religious persuasion it must mean you're a nut. She seems upset that there are women out there who are still grieving a lost infant after three years. I am still grieving my loss. Does that mean that I cry uncontrollably every day? No, but I do still cry from time to time. I don't know what will trigger it, but that loss created a hole inside my heart, a hole that will never be completely filled, and shouldn't ever be.
I guess that I still just don't understand how we can remember in memoriam people who were famous for all the wrong reasons, but keeping a memorial of your lost baby who was innocent is offensive. I still limit my conversations about Elizabeth to people who I think will be receptive. I don't want someone squashing my bruised emotions about her, so I limit the sharing.
In conclusion, this article was poorly done and shows great bias. I guess if you buy into the lie that life is only life once it's breathing air, you won't be upset by what she says. If you buy into the belief that all life is cherished, then someone who thinks you should hide the fact that miscarriages and stillbirths are babies tends to upset you.
What do you think? I already know my thoughts are biased, but I'm just writing from my experience. Have you seen too much over-sharing where the topic of miscarriage/stillbirth is associated? Let me know.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
More to Love Each Day
Today is Valentine's Day, and it's really only the fourth one I've ever celebrated as an adult. I was always "the best friend" who told my roomies what to get for their beaus while I sat and admired their gifts and silently wondered when it would be my turn. Sometimes I didn't wonder so quietly, but in the confines of my own home I would rage against the many injustices in the world that left me home every.single.night while it seemed that the rest of world had someone special.
Then I met S. And my world was forever changed. He wasn't exactly what I was looking for in a man, but as I reflect, he met every single item on my "want/need in a husband" list. It doesn't matter to me that he's not Hollywood gorgeous, because I didn't need someone like that. He's tall, intelligent, has a committed relationship with Christ, a cuddle bug, um...did I mention he's tall? Anyway, he's everything I needed, and when we butt heads (which isn't often, but does happen b/c we were both single for so long before we met) I am always thankful that his personality complements mine (as in he's NOT a hothead like me)
He doesn't always do things the way I'd like, and I KNOW that I'm not the prettiest crayon in the box, but he always treats me like a princess, and I am SOOOOOO blessed to have him as a spouse.
Infertility and miscarriage can often rob that joy from your relationship, and I'm thankful that he has let me grieve in my own way, but always puts forth that hope that I'm not broken forever. It is rare to have someone who has that much faith in you, and I want to make sure that I cherish that love closely and keep it with me always.
He is sometimes slightly clueless when it comes to gifts, but not today--here's why I love him more and more each day:
Then I met S. And my world was forever changed. He wasn't exactly what I was looking for in a man, but as I reflect, he met every single item on my "want/need in a husband" list. It doesn't matter to me that he's not Hollywood gorgeous, because I didn't need someone like that. He's tall, intelligent, has a committed relationship with Christ, a cuddle bug, um...did I mention he's tall? Anyway, he's everything I needed, and when we butt heads (which isn't often, but does happen b/c we were both single for so long before we met) I am always thankful that his personality complements mine (as in he's NOT a hothead like me)
He doesn't always do things the way I'd like, and I KNOW that I'm not the prettiest crayon in the box, but he always treats me like a princess, and I am SOOOOOO blessed to have him as a spouse.
Infertility and miscarriage can often rob that joy from your relationship, and I'm thankful that he has let me grieve in my own way, but always puts forth that hope that I'm not broken forever. It is rare to have someone who has that much faith in you, and I want to make sure that I cherish that love closely and keep it with me always.
He is sometimes slightly clueless when it comes to gifts, but not today--here's why I love him more and more each day:
He absolutely melted my heart with this letter!
A dozen roses! AND he PLANNED this in ADVANCE!!
Greyson thought that he should check out the new kid in the house...he's never seen me swoon before and was worried that these might remove him from favorite status with me!
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Sicky McSick
I sit here at the computer, when I should be at church, because I am sick. Actually this is the first time in 48 hours that I have been upright for more than 15 minutes. I hate being sick. I hate it when my body revolts and goes on strike. I hate it that something that is so small as to only be seen under a microscope can multiply so rapidly that it could send me to the hospital within 24 hours.
I actually didn't have to go to the hospital, but if I wouldn't have left school early on Friday, I would have been looking at an overnight stay with some VERY high-powered antibiotics. As it was, I felt like crap, tried to tough it out at school, and then realized that I couldn't make it. I came home and then was going to see if sleep would help. As I started thinking, I realized that if I didn't go to the doctor, I was going to have to go to the hospital. (which would cost $$$$$) So I called my doctor's office (have I mentioned how awesome she is?), and they were able to squeeze me in.
I thought I had a kidney/bladder infection, and guess what? I did. I find out the official name of the culprit tomorrow, but he's a nasty little bugger. My left kidney was doing the cha-cha to some serious music and felt as big as a football. I've had something like this before, and it was a bladder infection on steriods, so I'm pretty sure that's what it is this time, too. I went straight to bed after seeing the doctor, then became violently ill before remembering that I still had some muscle relaxers left over from my car accident. I took one of those, got the ol' kidney to stop dancing, and then slept all night long. Then when I woke up on Saturday, I took my 2nd antibiotic and continued to sleep my way through the day, the afternoon, and the night, getting up only to go to the bathroom and finally after a 24-hour fast, eat a simple dinner. Then I...slept again. You'd think with all of that sleep that I'd not need any more, but this little bug has knocked me for a loop.
Anyway, I'm sitting here right now marveling at the fact that I've been able to sit up this long, and thinking that I still feel like an NFL tackling dummy. I can still feel the kidney throbbing, but it's not as big or as bad, just really sore. I'm sorry I'm not in church right now, but know that I still need to recover. We're supposed to help wrangle kids at the church super bowl party tonight, and I want to be there, but it's gonna be a stretch. I hope I can get rid of enough of this to be able to be in public. I just HATE being sick. I'm ready to get back to just dealing with PCOS, which while it is annoying and bothersome, doesn't make me FEEL sick.
I actually didn't have to go to the hospital, but if I wouldn't have left school early on Friday, I would have been looking at an overnight stay with some VERY high-powered antibiotics. As it was, I felt like crap, tried to tough it out at school, and then realized that I couldn't make it. I came home and then was going to see if sleep would help. As I started thinking, I realized that if I didn't go to the doctor, I was going to have to go to the hospital. (which would cost $$$$$) So I called my doctor's office (have I mentioned how awesome she is?), and they were able to squeeze me in.
I thought I had a kidney/bladder infection, and guess what? I did. I find out the official name of the culprit tomorrow, but he's a nasty little bugger. My left kidney was doing the cha-cha to some serious music and felt as big as a football. I've had something like this before, and it was a bladder infection on steriods, so I'm pretty sure that's what it is this time, too. I went straight to bed after seeing the doctor, then became violently ill before remembering that I still had some muscle relaxers left over from my car accident. I took one of those, got the ol' kidney to stop dancing, and then slept all night long. Then when I woke up on Saturday, I took my 2nd antibiotic and continued to sleep my way through the day, the afternoon, and the night, getting up only to go to the bathroom and finally after a 24-hour fast, eat a simple dinner. Then I...slept again. You'd think with all of that sleep that I'd not need any more, but this little bug has knocked me for a loop.
Anyway, I'm sitting here right now marveling at the fact that I've been able to sit up this long, and thinking that I still feel like an NFL tackling dummy. I can still feel the kidney throbbing, but it's not as big or as bad, just really sore. I'm sorry I'm not in church right now, but know that I still need to recover. We're supposed to help wrangle kids at the church super bowl party tonight, and I want to be there, but it's gonna be a stretch. I hope I can get rid of enough of this to be able to be in public. I just HATE being sick. I'm ready to get back to just dealing with PCOS, which while it is annoying and bothersome, doesn't make me FEEL sick.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Mommyjackers
I don't think I've ever had an entire post about how someone else makes me feel. I typically am willing to give people more than one chance to change my opinion of them. I know that when I start off a situation on the wrong foot, I like to have a chance to fix that mistake. I know that not everyone will like me all the time, and for the most part I'm okey-dokie with that. I know that in relationships, you will have times when you don't like that other person at all and have secret fantasies about hitting them upside the head with your shoe and then shoving it in their mouth (You don't?....Hmmm, my bad....Maybe you just need to get out more...)
Anyway, most of the time, I get over my miffed-off-ness at someone and try to look for the good in them. Quite often, the person I'm miffed at has NO IDEA that they've gotten on my bad side. I don't just call them out in public. I go home and vent to my hubby, or to a really close group of lady friends I have who live all over this country. I know that what I say won't go further, that they offer up either a "you're right, she's a dingbat" or a "I think maybe that just hit you the wrong way today". I don't talk to them just to get a yes-man (or woman) response. I NEED people in my life to keep me in check. (I used to have a younger brother who thought that was his sole goal in life: to keep me in check. Since he grew up and moved to another state and got married and is a dad, he's dropped that role, so I've turned to others to fill it.) After I've calmed down from the encounter that ticked me off, I generally think about it and decide that either A: I was right and someone was a dingbat, or B: I turned a molehill into a mountain. It's saved me a ton of apologizing over the years, and I've been able to turn to God to change my attitude so that I'm in the right place when dealing with others.
WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE TOPIC AT HAND: MOMMYJACKERS!!!!!!!!
I belong to a website that is a support group for women with PCOS. It has been tremendously helpful for me and has led to some really close friendships with women I've never met in real life, but have bonded with over health issues. The site has a forum for discussions and features several boards, from teens to singles to women who are trying to conceive (TTC) to pregnancy, mommyhood, and beyond. You're free to comment wherever, but generally, it is considered polite to not talk about how crappy you're feeling while pregnant with baby #5 on the TTC boards or the Pregnancy Loss boards. To me, this makes common sense. I am free to read threads on ANY of the boards, and I do read a lot. I have even commented on something on the mommy boards, if I could offer my insight or to keep up with a fellow cyster whose children were overcoming difficulties. But in general, I keep to the boards for women TTC and those who have lost a pregnancy.
What is upsetting to me is that for the last several months, we have a group of mommies who seem to be on this site all the time, doing nothing but stirring up a hornet's nest of nastiness. They seem to be of the opinion that being online allows you to not filter anything that you say. They are fountains of wisdom, never needing any advice from anyone, but willling to dispense it to those of us who are less fortunate and suffering from humanity. (OK, that was really catty, but they never post anything that isn't sarcastic or demeaning)
Here's how they're operating and why it's ticking me off: They visit a thread of someone who is TTC. Most women in this group have at some point in time wanted to throttle someone that they know who is going out of her way to try some stupid idea to get "un-pregnant" (ie, early labor, complaining 24/7 about the evil inside her, saying "good thing you can't get pg, that kind of thing). We never actually say these things to the person, but need to vent in a safe place. This site has, up to the last few months, been a safe haven to vent these thoughts and feelings. And until recently, the discussion has usually included some yeah, we get that too's, some maybe you just mis-heards, some how awfuls, generally a mix of responses, as well as advice on how to deal with dingbat people and get to a better place in your struggle with infertility. I have been on both sides of the thread--angry at dingbats and a voice suggesting that something might have been misconstrued. I've also given advice. This has been how things have worked, and everyone has generally respected everyone else.
Until the mommyjackers arrived. These are women who have struggled with Infertility. Or say they have. No, there is not a badge to wear for how long you have struggled, but generally I have less patience for the woman with three children who is just 24 than I do with the woman who struggled for 7-10 years to have her one or two children. That's just me. Anyway, it seems that every time a woman vents about being mad at her friend Fertile Myrtle, the mommies attack. They claim to just be "giving the facts", or "being sarcastic", but in reality they are bullying the TTC women on the site. So much so, in fact, that several women have left. Which is sad. These women jump all over the woman with the original post and tell her she needs to be more compassionate b/c pregnancy isn't all roses and rainbows. And that she wouldn't complain about Fertile Myrtle if she'd ever been pregnant, but you know, you're not. Then anyone who steps in to defend the girl is slammed by them. They then veer off topic and bash women who haven't been pregnant yet. On one thread, the poster had gone through a miscarriage and was having a hard time with her friend, Myrtle, being an absolute dingbat while pregnant. They told people who were agreeing that sometimes being around babies is hard to go get counseling and get a thicker skin. Then brought up the "if you'd ever been pregnant, you'd understand" card. The TTC board implies that you DON'T have children, or have suffered recurrent miscarriages, and need the support of others who have been in similar situations.
My close friends who recently had children have all struggled for years with IF. They give sage advice, even if it doesn't always agree with the poster's point of view. There is a vast ocean of difference between disagreeing with others and bullying them with clubs made of words and superiority. I find it sadder that those women who should be standing beside you and lifting you up are the ones kicking you when you're down. It's not cool to bash others, it doesn't make you smarter, or cuter, or sassier. It makes you look like a jerk. If you've survived and made it to the other side of infertility, the side with children, you should be the biggest cheerleader for other women, helping them to see beyond the day to day. You could be passing on what worked for you, how your doctor helped, things like that. Instead, these women with ENTIRELY too much time on their hands spend their days verbally bullying women who are already in a vulnerable place and take away the safe place they thought they had. It's just making me sick.
I don't go to that site all that often anymore. The bullies keep bullying, and even when they're called on it, they keep doing it. They've been reported, and call the reportees thin-skinned. My close friends and I now talk via F.B, because it's safer and we can vent freely. I try to support the ones being bullied, but have stopped trying to be the voice of reason b/c I am tired of being harassed as well. I'm just tired of meanness and the "mean girls" mentality. I don't know how people can be that mean. It bugs me. A LOT.
Thanks for sticking with me. I don't have the answers, but I needed to vent, and since I can't on this one site anymore, I thought here would be the next best. Can anyone tell me what the appeal of being a "mean girl" is? And why have these women not grown up? And if they're this mean to others online, how are they to the people they know in real life? I worry for their husbands and children. That level of meanness just scares me. I don't have any answers, just needed to cycle my thoughts. I need to keep praying for those women, but there are times I don't really want to, they're so mean to others. Heaven help me, but I need some ideas on how to fix this.
Anyway, most of the time, I get over my miffed-off-ness at someone and try to look for the good in them. Quite often, the person I'm miffed at has NO IDEA that they've gotten on my bad side. I don't just call them out in public. I go home and vent to my hubby, or to a really close group of lady friends I have who live all over this country. I know that what I say won't go further, that they offer up either a "you're right, she's a dingbat" or a "I think maybe that just hit you the wrong way today". I don't talk to them just to get a yes-man (or woman) response. I NEED people in my life to keep me in check. (I used to have a younger brother who thought that was his sole goal in life: to keep me in check. Since he grew up and moved to another state and got married and is a dad, he's dropped that role, so I've turned to others to fill it.) After I've calmed down from the encounter that ticked me off, I generally think about it and decide that either A: I was right and someone was a dingbat, or B: I turned a molehill into a mountain. It's saved me a ton of apologizing over the years, and I've been able to turn to God to change my attitude so that I'm in the right place when dealing with others.
WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE TOPIC AT HAND: MOMMYJACKERS!!!!!!!!
I belong to a website that is a support group for women with PCOS. It has been tremendously helpful for me and has led to some really close friendships with women I've never met in real life, but have bonded with over health issues. The site has a forum for discussions and features several boards, from teens to singles to women who are trying to conceive (TTC) to pregnancy, mommyhood, and beyond. You're free to comment wherever, but generally, it is considered polite to not talk about how crappy you're feeling while pregnant with baby #5 on the TTC boards or the Pregnancy Loss boards. To me, this makes common sense. I am free to read threads on ANY of the boards, and I do read a lot. I have even commented on something on the mommy boards, if I could offer my insight or to keep up with a fellow cyster whose children were overcoming difficulties. But in general, I keep to the boards for women TTC and those who have lost a pregnancy.
What is upsetting to me is that for the last several months, we have a group of mommies who seem to be on this site all the time, doing nothing but stirring up a hornet's nest of nastiness. They seem to be of the opinion that being online allows you to not filter anything that you say. They are fountains of wisdom, never needing any advice from anyone, but willling to dispense it to those of us who are less fortunate and suffering from humanity. (OK, that was really catty, but they never post anything that isn't sarcastic or demeaning)
Here's how they're operating and why it's ticking me off: They visit a thread of someone who is TTC. Most women in this group have at some point in time wanted to throttle someone that they know who is going out of her way to try some stupid idea to get "un-pregnant" (ie, early labor, complaining 24/7 about the evil inside her, saying "good thing you can't get pg, that kind of thing). We never actually say these things to the person, but need to vent in a safe place. This site has, up to the last few months, been a safe haven to vent these thoughts and feelings. And until recently, the discussion has usually included some yeah, we get that too's, some maybe you just mis-heards, some how awfuls, generally a mix of responses, as well as advice on how to deal with dingbat people and get to a better place in your struggle with infertility. I have been on both sides of the thread--angry at dingbats and a voice suggesting that something might have been misconstrued. I've also given advice. This has been how things have worked, and everyone has generally respected everyone else.
Until the mommyjackers arrived. These are women who have struggled with Infertility. Or say they have. No, there is not a badge to wear for how long you have struggled, but generally I have less patience for the woman with three children who is just 24 than I do with the woman who struggled for 7-10 years to have her one or two children. That's just me. Anyway, it seems that every time a woman vents about being mad at her friend Fertile Myrtle, the mommies attack. They claim to just be "giving the facts", or "being sarcastic", but in reality they are bullying the TTC women on the site. So much so, in fact, that several women have left. Which is sad. These women jump all over the woman with the original post and tell her she needs to be more compassionate b/c pregnancy isn't all roses and rainbows. And that she wouldn't complain about Fertile Myrtle if she'd ever been pregnant, but you know, you're not. Then anyone who steps in to defend the girl is slammed by them. They then veer off topic and bash women who haven't been pregnant yet. On one thread, the poster had gone through a miscarriage and was having a hard time with her friend, Myrtle, being an absolute dingbat while pregnant. They told people who were agreeing that sometimes being around babies is hard to go get counseling and get a thicker skin. Then brought up the "if you'd ever been pregnant, you'd understand" card. The TTC board implies that you DON'T have children, or have suffered recurrent miscarriages, and need the support of others who have been in similar situations.
My close friends who recently had children have all struggled for years with IF. They give sage advice, even if it doesn't always agree with the poster's point of view. There is a vast ocean of difference between disagreeing with others and bullying them with clubs made of words and superiority. I find it sadder that those women who should be standing beside you and lifting you up are the ones kicking you when you're down. It's not cool to bash others, it doesn't make you smarter, or cuter, or sassier. It makes you look like a jerk. If you've survived and made it to the other side of infertility, the side with children, you should be the biggest cheerleader for other women, helping them to see beyond the day to day. You could be passing on what worked for you, how your doctor helped, things like that. Instead, these women with ENTIRELY too much time on their hands spend their days verbally bullying women who are already in a vulnerable place and take away the safe place they thought they had. It's just making me sick.
I don't go to that site all that often anymore. The bullies keep bullying, and even when they're called on it, they keep doing it. They've been reported, and call the reportees thin-skinned. My close friends and I now talk via F.B, because it's safer and we can vent freely. I try to support the ones being bullied, but have stopped trying to be the voice of reason b/c I am tired of being harassed as well. I'm just tired of meanness and the "mean girls" mentality. I don't know how people can be that mean. It bugs me. A LOT.
Thanks for sticking with me. I don't have the answers, but I needed to vent, and since I can't on this one site anymore, I thought here would be the next best. Can anyone tell me what the appeal of being a "mean girl" is? And why have these women not grown up? And if they're this mean to others online, how are they to the people they know in real life? I worry for their husbands and children. That level of meanness just scares me. I don't have any answers, just needed to cycle my thoughts. I need to keep praying for those women, but there are times I don't really want to, they're so mean to others. Heaven help me, but I need some ideas on how to fix this.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Apprehensive
I have currently been reading the book "The Giver" for one of the classes that my students are taking. While I totally didn't like the book or the society it showed, I did take away one concept that I want to try to use more often--being more precise with my language. In the book, people are punished for not saying exactly what they mean, but it does make them think before they speak. I will obviously not get into trouble for saying the wrong thing, but I do want to be more precise in the words I use.
Having said that, what brings me to the title of this post is my feeling towards my impending specialist's visit. This is the first time I've been to a "real" OBGYN instead of my family doctor. I like my family doctor. She's awesome. She hasn't made me feel like motherhood is out of my reach. She mourned with me during my miscarriage, has been frustrated with me during this almost three year frustration of trying to conceive again, agreed with me that PCOS seems to be the likeliest explanation for my symptoms...Well you get the picture. She's awesome and doesn't treat me like an idiot.
I finally got a referral to an OBGYN that specializes in fertility issues. If this doesn't work, we're done---there are no REs within a three-hour radius, and I'm not driving to the super-big city multiple times a month---even if I was to magically receive a large amount of money.
What is making me apprehensive? A lot of stuff. She's a new doctor who doesn't know me, who doesn't know that I am well aware of the fact that I'm fat, or that I'm working out and taking my Metformin now to try to lose that weight. She's not experienced my sorrows, my pain, my joy. I'm just new patient #200 or whatever. Is she going to treat me as a woman, or just another statistic? Will she look at me in disdain because of my weight? Will she tell me that fat people shouldn't be moms? Will she tell me that I have no hope of getting pregnant again? Will she give me hope, or take it away with a single sentence? Will she be so clinical that I leave the office in tears? Or will she be like my doctor?
I just don't know, and I hate the unknown. It's going to be scary, seeing someone I don't know. The appointment is the day after our three-year anniversary of Elizabeth's loss--that's not going to help anything.
When I called, the first available appointment was then--that's like a four-month wait. I guess it's probably normal for this kind of situation, but it seemed weird. Then I got the paperwork packet to fill out...The hardest question? "How many times have you been pregnant? miscarried? had an abortion? had a live birth?"
It just hit me wrong. It's so clinical. And how do I answer it? I was pregnant once. I know that. I know I had a miscarriage, but according to the emergency room, it was a "spontaneous abortion". Because I wasn't out of the first trimester, the world of medicine classified it as an abortion. Because I believe that life begins at conception, it was the loss of a life, thus a miscarriage. I see abortion as a definitive choice that a woman makes to end the life of her baby--you may not agree with me on that, but that's where I stand.
I think I'll wait to fill out the paperwork. I have two and a half-months to do it, after all. I'm still going to be apprehensive every day until then. Of course, maybe God will have mercy on me and this appointment won't be necessary because I'll be pregnant before then and the appointment will be the "happy you're pregnant" visit and not the "we regret to inform you that you're not" visit. God has been big on giving me "growing" experiences in the last three years, so I imagine that this one will be another one.
Apprehensive? Yeah, until I find a reason not to be.
Having said that, what brings me to the title of this post is my feeling towards my impending specialist's visit. This is the first time I've been to a "real" OBGYN instead of my family doctor. I like my family doctor. She's awesome. She hasn't made me feel like motherhood is out of my reach. She mourned with me during my miscarriage, has been frustrated with me during this almost three year frustration of trying to conceive again, agreed with me that PCOS seems to be the likeliest explanation for my symptoms...Well you get the picture. She's awesome and doesn't treat me like an idiot.
I finally got a referral to an OBGYN that specializes in fertility issues. If this doesn't work, we're done---there are no REs within a three-hour radius, and I'm not driving to the super-big city multiple times a month---even if I was to magically receive a large amount of money.
What is making me apprehensive? A lot of stuff. She's a new doctor who doesn't know me, who doesn't know that I am well aware of the fact that I'm fat, or that I'm working out and taking my Metformin now to try to lose that weight. She's not experienced my sorrows, my pain, my joy. I'm just new patient #200 or whatever. Is she going to treat me as a woman, or just another statistic? Will she look at me in disdain because of my weight? Will she tell me that fat people shouldn't be moms? Will she tell me that I have no hope of getting pregnant again? Will she give me hope, or take it away with a single sentence? Will she be so clinical that I leave the office in tears? Or will she be like my doctor?
I just don't know, and I hate the unknown. It's going to be scary, seeing someone I don't know. The appointment is the day after our three-year anniversary of Elizabeth's loss--that's not going to help anything.
When I called, the first available appointment was then--that's like a four-month wait. I guess it's probably normal for this kind of situation, but it seemed weird. Then I got the paperwork packet to fill out...The hardest question? "How many times have you been pregnant? miscarried? had an abortion? had a live birth?"
It just hit me wrong. It's so clinical. And how do I answer it? I was pregnant once. I know that. I know I had a miscarriage, but according to the emergency room, it was a "spontaneous abortion". Because I wasn't out of the first trimester, the world of medicine classified it as an abortion. Because I believe that life begins at conception, it was the loss of a life, thus a miscarriage. I see abortion as a definitive choice that a woman makes to end the life of her baby--you may not agree with me on that, but that's where I stand.
I think I'll wait to fill out the paperwork. I have two and a half-months to do it, after all. I'm still going to be apprehensive every day until then. Of course, maybe God will have mercy on me and this appointment won't be necessary because I'll be pregnant before then and the appointment will be the "happy you're pregnant" visit and not the "we regret to inform you that you're not" visit. God has been big on giving me "growing" experiences in the last three years, so I imagine that this one will be another one.
Apprehensive? Yeah, until I find a reason not to be.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Starting the New Year Off On The *Correct* Foot
It's a new year, and I've decided that I'm done being the victim of my circumstances and whining about everything. Soooooo, I'm making changes that hopefully I can live with and can help me be a better me.
I started back working out tonight---and I feel great! My legs are totally rubbery, but I got to work off some of the stress I aquired from working with a student who chooses to do absolutely nothing when he's capable of it. It's sad to see a Jr. High student fail, but he just sits and throws a fit when you make him pick up a pencil and write--we've tried everything under the sun to get him to work, but he just wants to do the fun stuff and have me do all of his "work". Yeah, that's gone over real well, especially since I work in this low-functioning special ed room where we have kids with real disabilities who are working their patooties off to try to complete work at half the level he was born with. Urrrgghh. Anyway, I redirected my angst at the workout, and have relieved some of that stress.
As I was finishing up, I decided to weigh myself----and SURPRISE!!! I've lost 5 pounds since my car accident!! I'm all kinds of happy about it, and I want to continue this success. I know that my health will be better if I weigh less, and I'll have a more sympathetic doctor if I do, so I want to get started with this journey before I see my new doctor. I'm calling tomorrow to set up the first appointment. I'm really apprehensive about it, and don't want to get laughed out of the door because of my weight.
My other big thing right now is that I am wanting to make a home-cooked meal for my husband and myself every night. I've done well with that so far, but tonight we're just eating leftovers so that we're not wasting food. So far this week, we've had baked *fried* chicken with mashed potatoes, chicken alfredo with baked chicken, sloppy joes and fries, baked spaghetti, and we've been eating on a chocolate cake all week. It's not low-cal food, but it's lower-calorie than fast food, and we're cutting down on fried food. I'm also trying to eat more fruit and veggies, so I'm foregoing the cake most nights in favor of a giant apple with a bit of homeade fruit dip. I can cook, and I love cooking, so why not use my talents?
I'm thinking that the home-baked stuff plus walking all over campus with my students plus working out 3-5 times a week plus taking my Metformin should make me lose some weight. It seems the *correct* way to start my new year. I'd say it's the RIGHT foot to start off on, but I'm left-handed and left-footed, so I'm really starting my year off on the left foot in order to be right. Right? (I'm obviously feeling better since I'm back to puns and humor!)
So, off to cook and crochet and read and study and help my students I go----LEFT foot forward!!!
I started back working out tonight---and I feel great! My legs are totally rubbery, but I got to work off some of the stress I aquired from working with a student who chooses to do absolutely nothing when he's capable of it. It's sad to see a Jr. High student fail, but he just sits and throws a fit when you make him pick up a pencil and write--we've tried everything under the sun to get him to work, but he just wants to do the fun stuff and have me do all of his "work". Yeah, that's gone over real well, especially since I work in this low-functioning special ed room where we have kids with real disabilities who are working their patooties off to try to complete work at half the level he was born with. Urrrgghh. Anyway, I redirected my angst at the workout, and have relieved some of that stress.
As I was finishing up, I decided to weigh myself----and SURPRISE!!! I've lost 5 pounds since my car accident!! I'm all kinds of happy about it, and I want to continue this success. I know that my health will be better if I weigh less, and I'll have a more sympathetic doctor if I do, so I want to get started with this journey before I see my new doctor. I'm calling tomorrow to set up the first appointment. I'm really apprehensive about it, and don't want to get laughed out of the door because of my weight.
My other big thing right now is that I am wanting to make a home-cooked meal for my husband and myself every night. I've done well with that so far, but tonight we're just eating leftovers so that we're not wasting food. So far this week, we've had baked *fried* chicken with mashed potatoes, chicken alfredo with baked chicken, sloppy joes and fries, baked spaghetti, and we've been eating on a chocolate cake all week. It's not low-cal food, but it's lower-calorie than fast food, and we're cutting down on fried food. I'm also trying to eat more fruit and veggies, so I'm foregoing the cake most nights in favor of a giant apple with a bit of homeade fruit dip. I can cook, and I love cooking, so why not use my talents?
I'm thinking that the home-baked stuff plus walking all over campus with my students plus working out 3-5 times a week plus taking my Metformin should make me lose some weight. It seems the *correct* way to start my new year. I'd say it's the RIGHT foot to start off on, but I'm left-handed and left-footed, so I'm really starting my year off on the left foot in order to be right. Right? (I'm obviously feeling better since I'm back to puns and humor!)
So, off to cook and crochet and read and study and help my students I go----LEFT foot forward!!!
Thursday, January 5, 2012
New Year, Thank Goodness!
It's FINALLY 2012. I don't normally say unkind things about those who have passed from our lives, but I'm glad 2011 finally left this planet. In fact, I'll be happy that I'll never have to live through 2011 again!! (How's that for positive statements?)
No, in all seriousness, I am glad to be starting a new year. A new year has new possibilities, a chance for at least some of my dreams to come true, a time of newness for everyone.
I don't make resolutions, since I always break them, but I do like to set goals. My goals for this year?
*Finish reading through my Bible and then pick a topic to do an in-depth study on
*Lose at least 25 pounds. I know I can do this, I just need to be motivated.
*Start looking at a new house (if I'm re-hired for next school year)
*Take some special education classes and work towards that certification
*Get pregnant, stay pregnant, and bring home a living baby
*Start getting serious about adoption if the above isn't possible.
I don't know how many of those goals are possible to achieve, but I have 12 months to begin working on them. I refuse to see this as a negative, and instead to see the positive in it. Let the work in me begin, and let me be the light to the fuse. Here's to a much better 2012!
No, in all seriousness, I am glad to be starting a new year. A new year has new possibilities, a chance for at least some of my dreams to come true, a time of newness for everyone.
I don't make resolutions, since I always break them, but I do like to set goals. My goals for this year?
*Finish reading through my Bible and then pick a topic to do an in-depth study on
*Lose at least 25 pounds. I know I can do this, I just need to be motivated.
*Start looking at a new house (if I'm re-hired for next school year)
*Take some special education classes and work towards that certification
*Get pregnant, stay pregnant, and bring home a living baby
*Start getting serious about adoption if the above isn't possible.
I don't know how many of those goals are possible to achieve, but I have 12 months to begin working on them. I refuse to see this as a negative, and instead to see the positive in it. Let the work in me begin, and let me be the light to the fuse. Here's to a much better 2012!
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