Saturday, July 30, 2011

Just In Case You Ever Wondered...

In case you've ever wondered what it's like to walk a mile in my's a video that sums up my emotions quite nicely.  And no, I'm not like this every day, but I've heard of 10 new pregnancy announcements from friends and family in the last 3 weeks, and while I'm happy for all of them, there's this feeling of being left in the dust while everyone else gets to see their dreams come true.  And I guess I'm also worried that when I finally get in to see the specialist this fall, he'll tell me that I'm too fat to be a mom, or too old, or that I'm a hopeless case.  I just really, really like my current doctor, and I don't know about a guy doctor--especially one who doesn't know me.  Anyway, here's the video, and no it's not directed at anyone--I really am happy for those of you expecting--it's just that I'm sad that it's not me at the same time---I really think that those of us suffering from infertility lead dual lives with multiple personalities.  I feel like two people most of the time, happy yet sad, hopeful and hopeless, ready to meet things head-on while still wanting to hide behind a rock...

Monday, July 25, 2011

Telling My Least Favorite Bible Story--HELP!!

This week I'm teaching Vacation Bible School at my church.  Who am I kidding?  I'm not just teaching it, I'm adoring it!  My two favorite things:  preschool kids and teaching.  What's not to love?  I've got all these great ideas, and I'm full of ideas since I haven't been teaching for a year...

Anyway, it's going wonderfully except for one teensy, tiny, itsy-bitsy thing...the story for the final night of VBS.

It's the story of Hannah, and the theme of the night for the preschool is "God gives us good gifts."  Ugh.  I know God gives good gifts, but couldn't we have expressed that thought with another story?

All of my helpers are moms or grandmas, and while I don't know their personal stories, its going to be hard to tell the story with them in there.  Why you ask?  Well because the story of Hannah goes like this:  Hannah was married to a guy named Elkannah.  She was his most-loved wife, but he had another wife who was exceedingly fertile, who had borne him many children.  Hannah had none.  Zero, zippo, nada.  Wife #2 apparently had scads of free time, because she spent every waking moment reminding Hannah of her status as an infertile--and insinuated that Hannah was not "woman enough" or "religious enough" to be blessed as a mom.  Her husband, because he knew she was being treated wrongly, loved Hannah all the more tenderly.

Hannah wept bitterly, and I'm sure she often questioned God in her prayers.  Finally, during a trip to the temple during one of the holy festivals of the year, Hannah breaks down in prayer during a private visit in the temple.  She is crying and praying silently,(because even then infertility was the "taboo" subject) when the priest sees her.  His first thought is to shoo her out of the temple because she wasn't praying aloud--he thought she was soused--but then he asked her what the matter was.  When she explained her heart's desire, the priest assured her that God had heard her prayer, and that anyone as devoted as she would have their prayers answered.  Her prayer was that if she had a child, she would give him back to God.  Sure enough, by the next year, she had her baby.  Three years later, she came back and gave her son, Samuel, back to the temple in the service of the priest. Impressed by her faithfulness, the priest blessed her and her husband, and later Hannah ended up with 3 more sons and 2 daughters.  Samuel went on to some really awesome stuff, and there are two whole books in the Bible about his life.

It really is a wonderful story, and some days it does give me hope as an infertile woman.  My problem this week is that it seems that they want the story presented as "If you pray for something hard enough, it will be given to you."  I don't want to give my itty-bitties false hope, don't want to be that bitter, "God doesn't always give us stuff" person, and don't want to just start bawling in the middle of the story.  I don't want to mess them up.  I know they're just 2-5, but I worry that telling them something that's not a complete truth will end up being a stumbling block later on in life.

So here's my would you tell the story?  The theme "God gives us good gifts," is true, but what about the fact that He doesn't always give us everything we pray for?  How can I show my kids something to make the story "stick" ? 

On a personal note, how do you as an infertile woman deal with people who quickly bring up this story as the be-all, end-all to point out that if you were just religious enough, or prayed harder, that God would suddenly bless you with six children, and the reason you're not a mom is because you're "just not Godly enough"?  I've not dealt with a lot of women like that, but have had it dragged up by family memers (not close ones) and some older women who have never heard of PCOS.

I know this has been a long post, but I really would like a lot of input, please. Thanks!

Saturday, July 16, 2011

MIA...But not on purpose

Boy, a lot can happen in two months, especially when you live in Missouri.  Ididn't intend to leave my blog unused for so long, but life has happened to my family at such a rapid pace, I just haven't had the time to sit down and compose anything.  When I last left you, I was trying to put in a memorial flower garden for the daughter we lost in utero two years ago.  That project has also been placed on the back burner with everything else because of what's gone on.  I promise that from here on out I'm going to more regularly update the blog, even if life gets in the way.  But, so that you can see I'm not joshing you about the hecticness of my life, here's what happened while I was away:

May 14th--Last blog post.  Spent the day and most of the next week working and picking strawberries out of my giant strawberry bed.

May 22--Out picking strawberries, trying to beat the coming storm, when I get a call that my sister and her family have just survived a tornado that hit Joplin.

May 23-27--Trying to get things organized and get plastic bins bought so that we can salvage as much as possible from my sister's house.  Find out that I lost 3 friends in that tornado.

May 28-30--Memorial Day weekend--Cleaned out my sister's house--saved about 90% of their belongings, but most things that were in their garage are gone---saw all of the places I used to shop at, work at, visit often--and they were all gone, some completely.  I saw how God protected my sister and her family--the room they were in was spared by six inches--God is good.

June 1--My sister has her baby.  All my worries about getting to hold my new nephew went out the window with all that had happened before.  We almost lost my sister in the delivery, though.  Doctors believed that it was delayed shock from the tornado--but she and the baby are doing fine.

June 9--I go to the house my sister is staying in temporarily and get to babysit the boys--boy was that torture (not!!!).  I've gotten to spend more time with both boys since #2's birth than I was allowed to spend with #1 the first year of his life.  Of course a lot of that had to do with the fact that they were needing to take care of insurance stuff and trying to find a new house.

June 11---My period FINALLY started.  It was a 64-day cycle, the longest one I'd ever had in my life.  I'm worried that it could be early-onset menopause, because, you know, I'd have no luck at all if it wasn't for bad luck.

June 12--We had to put my cat down.  He had been with me since I lived in that house in Joplin, and was my constant companion and a good mouser.  It broke my heart to have to do it, and I still miss him.

June 13--Babysitting the boys again.  My husband has decided that Christmas is too long to wait for a new kitten for me--he's decided I'm getting one for my birthday in August, but while he's on the porch talking to me over the phone, a VERY bedraggled, flea-bitten, rib-showing, tiny kitten stumbles into our yard.  God knew I needed something to keep me entertained--after a LONG bath and an hour picking off and killing fleas, he looked adorable--we named him Greyson.

June 17-24--I'm doing Missouri Girls State, where I'm the music director.  Camp is a blast, except for the total lack of sleep involved!

June 30-July 2--Moving my sister and her family into their new home.  Of course it was the hottest day to date for that move :)  I discovered my new favorite cleaner---Bon Ami---it cleaned all of their appliances that had taken the brunt of the tornado's wind and debris so it looked like they'd gotten a new stove and fridge.  Now I can't find any of that miracle stuff for my house (of course, because if I didn't have bad luck...)

This last weekend, we spent a vacation/anniversary trip/needing to get away from it all/HAD to go see the niece trip in OK City visiting my brother and his family.  Got lots of photos of the niece, got to go to a wild animal refuge and pet baby white tigers, toured the bombing museum and memorial, and then saw Green Lantern on the way home as a anniversary present to my husband.

Whew!!  It makes me tired just writing about it.  In the middle of all of that, I lost at least half of my strawberry crop due to not being home to pick, went and had my annual "well-woman" exam and found out I'm going to have to see a specialist to do anything like Clomid or Femara, and that due to not being able to take my Metformin regularly, I had gained 20 pounds--(back to the no luck but bad luck)--I've even been eating better and don't eat as much anymore (I hate you, PCOS!).

But I start my new job in two weeks, get insurance again in six weeks, and will finally be able to get back to seeing if I can become a mom before I'm 90 like Sarah in the Bible. 

That's been my two months in a nutshell...can anyone top that?