Thursday, January 26, 2012


I don't think I've ever had an entire post about how someone else makes me feel.  I typically am willing to give people more than one chance to change my opinion of them.  I know that when I start off a situation on the wrong foot, I like to have a chance to fix that mistake.  I know that not everyone will like me all the time, and for the most part I'm okey-dokie with that.  I know that in relationships, you will have times when you don't like that other person at all and have secret fantasies about hitting them upside the head with your shoe and then shoving it in their mouth (You don't?....Hmmm, my bad....Maybe you just need to get out more...)

Anyway, most of the time, I get over my miffed-off-ness at someone and try to look for the good in them.  Quite often, the person I'm miffed at has NO IDEA that they've gotten on my bad side.  I don't just call them out in public.  I go home and vent to my hubby, or to a really close group of lady friends I have who live all over this country.  I know that what I say won't go further, that they offer up either a "you're right, she's a dingbat" or a "I think maybe that just hit you the wrong way today".  I don't talk to them just to get a yes-man (or woman) response.  I NEED people in my life to keep me in check.  (I used to have a younger brother who thought that was his sole goal in life:  to keep me in check.  Since he grew up and moved to another state and got married and is a dad, he's dropped that role, so I've turned to others to fill it.)  After I've calmed down from the encounter that ticked me off, I generally think about it and decide that either A:  I was right and someone was a dingbat, or B:  I turned a molehill into a mountain.  It's saved me a ton of apologizing over the years, and I've been able to turn to God to change my attitude so that I'm in the right place when dealing with others.


I belong to a website that is a support group for women with PCOS.  It has been tremendously helpful for me and has led to some really close friendships with women I've never met in real life, but have bonded with over health issues.  The site has a forum for discussions and features several boards, from teens to singles to women who are trying to conceive (TTC) to pregnancy, mommyhood, and beyond.  You're free to comment wherever, but generally, it is considered polite to not talk about how crappy you're feeling while pregnant with baby #5 on the TTC boards or the Pregnancy Loss boards.  To me, this makes common sense.  I am free to read threads on ANY of the boards, and I do read a lot.  I have even commented on something on the mommy boards, if I could offer my insight or to keep up with a fellow cyster whose children were overcoming difficulties.  But in general, I keep to the boards for women TTC and those who have lost a pregnancy.

What is upsetting to me is that for the last several months, we have a group of mommies who seem to be on this site all the time, doing nothing but stirring up a hornet's nest of nastiness.  They seem to be of the opinion that being online allows you to not filter anything that you say.  They are fountains of wisdom, never needing any advice from anyone, but willling to dispense it to those of us who are less fortunate and suffering from humanity.  (OK, that was really catty, but they never post anything that isn't sarcastic or demeaning)

Here's how they're operating and why it's ticking me off:  They visit a thread of someone who is TTC.  Most women in this group have at some point in time wanted to throttle someone that they know who is going out of her way to try some stupid idea to get "un-pregnant" (ie, early labor, complaining 24/7 about the evil inside her, saying "good thing you can't get pg, that kind of thing).  We never actually say these things to the person, but need to vent in a safe place.  This site has, up to the last few months, been a safe haven to vent these thoughts and feelings.  And until recently, the discussion has usually included some yeah, we get that too's, some maybe you just mis-heards, some how awfuls, generally a mix of responses, as well as advice on how to deal with dingbat people and get to a better place in your struggle with infertility.  I have been on both sides of the thread--angry at dingbats and a voice suggesting that something might have been misconstrued.  I've also given advice.  This has been how things have worked, and everyone has generally respected everyone else.

Until the mommyjackers arrived.  These are women who have struggled with Infertility.  Or say they have.  No, there is not a badge to wear for how long you have struggled, but generally I have less patience for the woman with three children who is just 24 than I do with the woman who struggled for 7-10 years to have her one or two children.  That's just me.  Anyway, it seems that every time a woman vents about being mad at her friend Fertile Myrtle, the mommies attack.  They claim to just be "giving the facts", or "being sarcastic", but in reality they are bullying the TTC women on the site.  So much so, in fact, that several women have left.  Which is sad.  These women jump all over the woman with the original post and tell her she needs to be more compassionate b/c pregnancy isn't all roses and rainbows.  And that she wouldn't complain about Fertile Myrtle if she'd ever been pregnant, but you know, you're not.  Then anyone who steps in to defend the girl is slammed by them.  They then veer off topic and bash women who haven't been pregnant yet.  On one thread, the poster had gone through a miscarriage and was having a hard time with her friend, Myrtle, being an absolute dingbat while pregnant.  They told people who were agreeing that sometimes being around babies is hard to go get counseling and get a thicker skin.  Then brought up the "if you'd ever been pregnant, you'd understand" card.  The TTC board implies that you DON'T have children, or have suffered recurrent miscarriages, and need the support of others who have been in similar situations.  

My close friends who recently had children have all struggled for years with IF. They give sage advice, even if it doesn't always agree with the poster's point of view.  There is a vast ocean of difference between disagreeing with others and bullying them with clubs made of words and superiority.  I find it sadder that those women who should be standing beside you and lifting you up are the ones kicking you when you're down.  It's not cool to bash others, it doesn't make you smarter, or cuter, or sassier.  It makes you look like a jerk.  If you've survived and made it to the other side of infertility, the side with children, you should be the biggest cheerleader for other women, helping them to see beyond the day to day.  You could be passing on what worked for you, how your doctor helped, things like that.  Instead, these women with ENTIRELY too much time on their hands spend their days verbally bullying women who are already in a vulnerable place and take away the safe place they thought they had.  It's just making me sick. 

I don't go to that site all that often anymore.  The bullies keep bullying, and even when they're called on it, they keep doing it.  They've been reported, and call the reportees thin-skinned.  My close friends and I now talk via F.B, because it's safer and we can vent freely.  I try to support the ones being bullied, but have stopped trying to be the voice of reason b/c I am tired of being harassed as well.  I'm just tired of meanness and the "mean girls" mentality.  I don't know how people can be that mean.  It bugs me. A LOT.

Thanks for sticking with me.  I don't have the answers, but I needed to vent, and since I can't on this one site anymore, I thought here would be the next best.  Can anyone tell me what the appeal of being a "mean girl" is?  And why have these women not grown up?  And if they're this mean to others online, how are they to the people they know in real life?  I worry for their husbands and children.  That level of meanness just scares me.  I don't have any answers, just needed to cycle my thoughts.  I need to keep praying for those women, but there are times I don't really want to, they're so mean to others.  Heaven help me, but I need some ideas on how to fix this.

Monday, January 16, 2012


I have currently been reading the book "The Giver" for one of the classes that my students are taking.  While I totally didn't like the book or the society it showed, I did take away one concept that I want to try to use more often--being more precise with my language.  In the book, people are punished for not saying exactly what they mean, but it does make them think before they speak.  I will obviously not get into trouble for saying the wrong thing, but I do want to be more precise in the words I use.

Having said that, what brings me to the title of this post is my feeling towards my impending specialist's visit.  This is the first time I've been to a "real" OBGYN instead of my family doctor.  I like my family doctor.  She's awesome.  She hasn't made me feel like motherhood is out of my reach.  She mourned with me during my miscarriage, has been frustrated with me during this almost three year frustration of trying to conceive again, agreed with me that PCOS seems to be the likeliest explanation for my symptoms...Well you get the picture.  She's awesome and doesn't treat me like an idiot.

I finally got a referral to an OBGYN that specializes in fertility issues.  If this doesn't work, we're done---there are no REs within a three-hour radius, and I'm not driving to the super-big city multiple times a month---even if I was to magically receive a large amount of money.

What is making me apprehensive?  A lot of stuff.  She's a new doctor who doesn't know me, who doesn't know that I am well aware of the fact that I'm fat, or that I'm working out and taking my Metformin now to try to lose that weight.  She's not experienced my sorrows, my pain, my joy.  I'm just new patient #200 or whatever.  Is she going to treat me as a woman, or just another statistic?  Will she look at me in disdain because of my weight?  Will she tell me that fat people shouldn't be moms?  Will she tell me that I have no hope of getting pregnant again?  Will she give me hope, or take it away with a single sentence?  Will she be so clinical that I leave the office in tears?  Or will she be like my doctor? 

I just don't know, and I hate the unknown.  It's going to be scary, seeing someone I don't know.  The appointment is the day after our three-year anniversary of Elizabeth's loss--that's not going to help anything. 

When I called, the first available appointment was then--that's like a four-month wait.  I guess it's probably normal for this kind of situation, but it seemed weird.  Then I got the paperwork packet to fill out...The hardest question?  "How many times have you been pregnant? miscarried? had an abortion? had a live birth?" 

It just hit me wrong.  It's so clinical.  And how do I answer it?  I was pregnant once.  I know that.  I know I had a miscarriage, but according to the emergency room, it was a "spontaneous abortion".  Because I wasn't out of the first trimester, the world of medicine classified it as an abortion.  Because I believe that life begins at conception, it was the loss of a life, thus a miscarriage.  I see abortion as a definitive choice that a woman makes to end the life of her baby--you may not agree with me on that, but that's where I stand.

I think I'll wait to fill out the paperwork.  I have two and a half-months to do it, after all.  I'm still going to be apprehensive every day until then.  Of course, maybe God will have mercy on me and this appointment won't be necessary because I'll be pregnant before then and the appointment will be the "happy you're pregnant" visit and not the "we regret to inform you that you're not" visit.  God has been big on giving me "growing" experiences in the last three years, so I imagine that this one will be another one.

Apprehensive?  Yeah, until I find a reason not to be. 

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Starting the New Year Off On The *Correct* Foot

It's a new year, and I've decided that I'm done being the victim of my circumstances and whining about everything.  Soooooo, I'm making changes that hopefully I can live with and can help me be a better me.

I started back working out tonight---and I feel great!  My legs are totally rubbery, but I got to work off some of the stress I aquired from working with a student who chooses to do absolutely nothing when he's capable of it.  It's sad to see a Jr. High student fail, but he just sits and throws a fit when you make him pick up a pencil and write--we've tried everything under the sun to get him to work, but he just wants to do the fun stuff and have me do all of his "work".  Yeah, that's gone over real well, especially since I work in this low-functioning special ed room where we have kids with real disabilities who are working their patooties off to try to complete work at half the level he was born with.  Urrrgghh.  Anyway, I redirected my angst at the workout, and have relieved some of that stress.

As I was finishing up, I decided to weigh myself----and SURPRISE!!!  I've lost 5 pounds since my car accident!!  I'm all kinds of happy about it, and I want to continue this success.  I know that my health will be better if I weigh less, and I'll have a more sympathetic doctor if I do, so I want to get started with this journey before I see my new doctor.  I'm calling tomorrow to set up the first appointment.  I'm really apprehensive about it, and don't want to get laughed out of the door because of my weight.

My other big thing right now is that I am wanting to make a home-cooked meal for my husband and myself every night.  I've done well with that so far, but tonight we're just eating leftovers so that we're not wasting food.  So far this week, we've had baked *fried* chicken with mashed potatoes, chicken alfredo with baked chicken, sloppy joes and fries, baked spaghetti, and we've been eating on a chocolate cake all week.  It's not low-cal food, but it's lower-calorie than fast food, and we're cutting down on fried food.  I'm also trying to eat more fruit and veggies, so I'm foregoing the cake most nights in favor of a giant apple with a bit of homeade fruit dip.  I can cook, and I love cooking, so why not use my talents?

I'm thinking that the home-baked stuff plus walking all over campus with my students plus working out 3-5 times a week plus taking my Metformin should make me lose some weight.  It seems the *correct* way to start my new year.  I'd say it's the RIGHT foot to start off on, but I'm left-handed and left-footed, so I'm really starting my year off on the left foot in order to be right.  Right? (I'm obviously feeling better since I'm back to puns and humor!)

So, off to cook and crochet and read and study and help my students I go----LEFT foot forward!!!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

New Year, Thank Goodness!

It's FINALLY 2012.  I don't normally say unkind things about those who have passed from our lives, but I'm glad 2011 finally left this planet.  In fact, I'll be happy that I'll never have to live through 2011 again!!  (How's that for positive statements?)

No, in all seriousness, I am glad to be starting a new year.  A new year has new possibilities, a chance for at least some of my dreams to come true, a time of newness for everyone.

I don't make resolutions, since I always break them, but I do like to set goals.  My goals for this year? 

*Finish reading through my Bible and then pick a topic to do an in-depth study on

*Lose at least 25 pounds.  I know I can do this, I just need to be motivated.

*Start looking at a new house (if I'm re-hired for next school year)

*Take some special education classes and work towards that certification

*Get pregnant, stay pregnant, and bring home a living baby

*Start getting serious about adoption if the above isn't possible.

I don't know how many of those goals are possible to achieve, but I have 12 months to begin working on them.  I refuse to see this as a negative, and instead to see the positive in it.  Let the work in me begin, and let me be the light to the fuse.  Here's to a much better 2012!