Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Sometimes I Just Don't Understand People

Sometimes I just don't understand people.  They baffle me.  I probably baffle some of them, too, but that's beside the point.  I don't understand how some women can callously throw away the life of their unborn child, how anyone can beat the life out of a child, how a person can justify abuse of any kind, list could go on for a while, but you get the point. 

I also don't understand how we still have people in our world who are educated but still labor under the belief that a baby isn't real until it he/she is breathing.  I know that I was pregnant---WITH A BABY---not some mass of cells that could have morphed into anything.  I SAW HER---saw her heart beat, watched her turn somersaults and bounce around, saw her teeny tiny hands.  SHE WAS A BABY, AND SHE WAS MY DAUGHTER.

However, this author apparently thought that we need to go back to the dark ages regarding miscarriage and stillbirth.  It's the kind of article you'd expect a guy to write, only it's a woman.  A woman who has never experienced a loss like this, and who did not stop to think and sympathize with those who have had such a loss. 

To her, this kind of loss is an "eeeeewwww, icky" kind of moment.  Why?  I agree that we live in an over-sharing kind of society. But in all of the oversharing that is out there, I don't think I have yet to go 'hmmm, that babyloss momma is just waaaaay oversharing there.  She needs to just ignore what happened and just get over it."   I think of all the women who overshare about their pregnancies, their infants, their kids, their husbands, their dogs/cats/whatevers, and it bothers me greatly to think about how it is still considered taboo to share about the loss of your child who never drew a breath.

I'm still trying to figure it out, but I think it boils down to worldview.  My worldview is that life begins at conception, that all life is loved by God, and that He grieves with us when that life is cut short--by whatever cuts it short.  He grieves when a woman chooses to cut that life short, and He grieves with you when it's not your fault that your child's life is cut short.

The worldview of this author seems to be that life does not begin until a breath has been taken.  She is "concerned" by these crazy women and families that choose to acknowledge that this tiny infant was a real person, that he/she was loved by a family, and that just because you have a religious persuasion it must mean you're a nut.  She seems upset that there are women out there who are still grieving a lost infant after three years.  I am still grieving my loss.  Does that mean that I cry uncontrollably every day? No, but I do still cry from time to time.  I don't know what will trigger it, but that loss created a hole inside my heart, a hole that will never be completely filled, and shouldn't ever be. 

I guess that I still just don't understand how we can remember in memoriam people who were famous for all the wrong reasons, but keeping a memorial of your lost baby who was innocent is offensive.  I still limit my conversations about Elizabeth to people who I think will be receptive.  I don't want someone squashing my bruised emotions about her, so I limit the sharing. 

In conclusion, this article was poorly done and shows great bias.  I guess if you buy into the lie that life is only life once it's breathing air, you won't be upset by what she says.  If you buy into the belief that all life is cherished, then someone who thinks you should hide the fact that miscarriages and stillbirths are babies tends to upset you.

What do you think?  I already know my thoughts are biased, but I'm just writing from my experience.  Have you seen too much over-sharing where the topic of miscarriage/stillbirth is associated?  Let me know.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

More to Love Each Day

Today is Valentine's Day, and it's really only the fourth one I've ever celebrated as an adult.  I was always "the best friend" who told my roomies what to get for their beaus while I sat and admired their gifts and silently wondered when it would be my turn.  Sometimes I didn't wonder so quietly, but in the confines of my own home I would rage against the many injustices in the world that left me home every.single.night while it seemed that the rest of world had someone special.

Then I met S. And my world was forever changed.  He wasn't exactly what I was looking for in a man, but as I reflect, he met every single item on my "want/need in a husband" list.  It doesn't matter to me that he's not Hollywood gorgeous, because I didn't need someone like that.  He's tall, intelligent, has a committed relationship with Christ, a cuddle bug, um...did I mention he's tall?  Anyway, he's everything I needed, and when we butt heads (which isn't often, but does happen b/c we were both single for so long before we met) I am always thankful that his personality complements mine (as in he's NOT a hothead like me)

He doesn't always do things the way I'd like, and I KNOW that I'm not the prettiest crayon in the box, but he always treats me like a princess, and I am SOOOOOO blessed to have him as a spouse.

Infertility and miscarriage can often rob that joy from your relationship, and I'm thankful that he has let me grieve in my own way, but always puts forth that hope that I'm not broken forever.  It is rare to have someone who has that much faith in you, and I want to make sure that I cherish that love closely and keep it with me always.

He is sometimes slightly clueless when it comes to gifts, but not today--here's why I love him more and more each day:

He absolutely melted my heart with this letter!

 A dozen roses!  AND he PLANNED this in ADVANCE!!

Greyson thought that he should check out the new kid in the house...he's never seen me swoon before and was worried that these might remove him from favorite status with me!

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Sicky McSick

I sit here at the computer, when I should be at church, because I am sick.  Actually this is the first time in 48 hours that I have been upright for more than 15 minutes.  I hate being sick.  I hate it when my body revolts and goes on strike.  I hate it that something that is so small as to only be seen under a microscope can multiply so rapidly that it could send me to the hospital within 24 hours.

I actually didn't have to go to the hospital, but if I wouldn't have left school early on Friday, I would have been looking at an overnight stay with some VERY high-powered antibiotics.  As it was, I felt like crap, tried to tough it out at school, and then realized that I couldn't make it.  I came home and then was going to see if sleep would help.  As I started thinking, I realized that if I didn't go to the doctor, I was going to have to go to the hospital. (which would cost $$$$$)  So I called my doctor's office (have I mentioned how awesome she is?), and they were able to squeeze me in. 

I thought I had a kidney/bladder infection, and guess what? I did.  I find out the official name of the culprit tomorrow, but he's a nasty little bugger.  My left kidney was doing the cha-cha to some serious music and felt as big as a football.  I've had something like this before, and it was a bladder infection on steriods, so I'm pretty sure that's what it is this time, too.  I went straight to bed after seeing the doctor, then became violently ill before remembering that I still had some muscle relaxers left over from my car accident.  I took one of those, got the ol' kidney to stop dancing, and then slept all night long.  Then when I woke up on Saturday, I took my 2nd antibiotic and continued to sleep my way through the day, the afternoon, and the night, getting up only to go to the bathroom and finally after a 24-hour fast, eat a simple dinner.  Then I...slept again.  You'd think with all of that sleep that I'd not need any more, but this little bug has knocked me for a loop.

Anyway, I'm sitting here right now marveling at the fact that I've been able to sit up this long, and thinking that I still feel like an NFL tackling dummy.  I can still feel the kidney throbbing, but it's not as big or as bad, just really sore.  I'm sorry I'm not in church right now, but know that I still need to recover.  We're supposed to help wrangle kids at the church super bowl party tonight, and I want to be there, but it's gonna be a stretch.  I hope I can get rid of enough of this to be able to be in public.  I just HATE being sick.  I'm ready to get back to just dealing with PCOS, which while it is annoying and bothersome, doesn't make me FEEL sick.