Soooooo............................I usually try to stay upbeat and not get discouraged about this journey I'm on, but this is getting ridiculous.
Let me start over. I do not, in any way, shape, or form, wish infertility or miscarriage on anyone. I really don't want any of you to know the agony it brings, or how you watch your cycle like a hawk, take temperatures, get your hopes up, and then every month cry when you get your period. I only stay down for about a day and a half, and then I put on my big girl panties and start over. However, since my miscarriage, it has been 18 months of that and it's getting old.
I'm getting older. I'm just 32, but you would think I was 82. I've had people tell me that I "needed to get hopping on starting that family, because, you know, you're not getting any younger." I had someone tell me that I was too old to think about having a family. Then there are all of the "you just need to lose weight people". I feel bad enough about not being "woman enough" to have children. I really don't need others pointing this out. My favorite thing right now is how well-meaning friends have said, "So and so has been married for 12 years, and she was never able to have children. They settled for being childless and now she's 5 months pregnant." I'm glad so-and-so is finally getting her dreams fulfilled, but that's not my situation. Those things only serve to remind me of how "not" that woman I am.
I'm usually not this bummed out about things, but it's been one of those weeks. I think what is making it hit harder is the fact that while at Target the other day, I counted 25 pregnant women going in and out before I got out of the car. I was slightly worried that I wouldn't be admitted because it was "pregnant day" and I wasn't. I also am the only woman on my mom's side of the family who isn't a mom. It stinks. A lot. I apparently have not been drinking the same water as everyone else.
So how am I going to change this? Well, to change my attitude, I'm holding on to the promises God has given us. To change my outlook, I'm trying to find ways to lighten others burdens. To change my condition, I'm taking my medications, charting my cycles, and keeping track of everything. Since my insurance won't cover anything infertility related, we can't be more proactive with medical remedies--yet. In February, if I'm still waiting to be a mom, we'll move up to the next level of help. In the midst of all of this, I am still trusting God, even though it's really hard sometimes. Things will look up soon.