Today was the day of the big doctor appointment. The first one at the shiny new doctor's office. The one I waited four months for. The one I had been dreading for many reasons. The one where I hoped that I would be treated like a person, not a number, and where I would be taken seriously. You know, THAT Doctor's appointment.
So I prepared myself.
Freshly shaved legs--check
Nice smelling clean body--check
Made sure to write PCOS on paperwork--double check
Prayed before going in---triple check
It was almost like going on a first date, except I was more nervous. I got out of the elevator and went to the receptionist, checked and then got asked this question: "Well, it shows here that we scheduled you with the nurse practitioner instead of the doctor. Will that still be OK?" Huh????? After I waited for 4 months for this appointment, then got called last week that the doctor couldn't see me on my scheduled date, so we re-scheduled so I could see her, AND I DROVE FOR OVER AN HOUR AND A HALF to get to your office to see the DOCTOR that you are now telling me you DIDN'T schedule me to see? Nooooooooooooooo, there's no problem with that. (cue my internal growling) Externally, my sad, sorry allergy-ridden self just said, "Well I suppose it has to be OK since I'm already here." What was I supposed to say? "No, please reschedule me with the doctor and let's do another four month wait and forget about the fact that I drove an hour and a half to get to your clinic."
That just rang my bell and put me in a bad mood. I decided to just shake it off as I waited my turn. I noticed that every woman was either skinny or pregnant. Just my luck. Of COURSE they were skinny or pregnant. It probably wouldn't have bothered me if I wasn't already in a bad mood, but it did bother me today. Ugh.
I went in and got my vitals taken. I've actually lost 7 pounds from December according to this scale. That perked me up a bit. Then the NP came in. I realize that this was a yearly visit and an initial consult, BUT...it still bothered me when she said that most of the time irregular periods are caused by a metabolic disorder. I politely interrupted and told her I had PCOS. "Oh, you do? How long have you had that diagnosis?" (grumble, growl) "I've had the diagnosis for over 2 years." (IT WAS ON THE PAPERWORK I HAD TO FILL OUT IN TRIPLICATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) "Well, the standard treatment for PCOS is metformin. We'll start you back on that and get you losing weight before we do any other treatments to see if we can get you ovulating on your own." Oh, and no clomid for at least six months--they want to see if I can get pregnant on my own...JUST MY LUCK.
I knew I probably wouldn't get anything this visit, but I still had this tiny hope that I wouldn't get just told to lose weight. Here is my prescription for the next month:
Obesity--(Was I really unaware of this????) You need to lose 10% of your body weight. When you lose this 26 pounds, you'll probably start ovulating on your own and everything will be better.
Food Journal---Keep a journal for the next month and bring it with you to your next appointment so you can talk to a nutritionist about food choices and caloric intake. (Because, you know, the only way you can gain weight is if you eat too many calories and don't exercise--PCOS NEVER messes with that....is my sarcasm showing?)
Metformin--Start taking your metformin again and up the dose. It should help you to lose some weight.
(It will, because it makes me sick as a dog and I don't eat...but I'll take it to be a good patient.)
Soooo....I have another appointment in a month, where I will be told how to eat healthy, lose more weight, and exercise more. Because losing weight will magically fix my body and allow me to get pregnant. Just my luck.
On the plus side, I didn't cry when she handed me the informational brouchure on PCOS (which by now I could have written myself--with a LOT more compassion), I didn't cry when she told me to just lose some weight, and I didn't cry until I got to my car. I considered that a small victory.
I just really need prayers right now. I'm almost 34, just a year away from "advanced maternal age", where they start discouraging you from having children. I'm tired of being told that I'm only fat because I have been eating the wrong things and that if I really tried, I'd be as skinny as my younger sister. I'm tired of feeling like the world's biggest misfit because I can't have children. I'm tired of being stuck in this rut where I can't progress on any front. And I'm tired of having to fight for every. single. thing.
I know that I don't have a lot of readers here, and that's OK, but I'd really, really, really like it if I could have some positive affirmations in the comments section. I know in my head that I'm not alone and that people are praying for me, but right now I just feel isolated and alone. I know that God has a plan here somewhere, but I can't see it right now. I'm just, I don't know, defeated, I guess. Got any good scriptures or words of advice? Cause I need them, I really do.