Thursday, April 5, 2012

Just My Luck

Today was the day of the big doctor appointment.  The first one at the shiny new doctor's office.  The one I waited four months for.  The one I had been dreading for many reasons.  The one where I hoped that I would be treated like a person, not a number, and where I would be taken seriously.  You know, THAT Doctor's appointment.

So I prepared myself.

Freshly shaved legs--check
Nice smelling clean body--check
Deodorant---double check
Made sure to write PCOS on paperwork--double check
Prayed before going in---triple check

It was almost like going on a first date, except I was more nervous.  I got out of the elevator and went to the receptionist, checked and then got asked this question:  "Well, it shows here that we scheduled you with the nurse practitioner instead of the doctor.  Will that still be OK?"  Huh?????  After I waited for 4 months for this appointment, then got called last week that the doctor couldn't see me on my scheduled date, so we re-scheduled so I could see her, AND I DROVE FOR OVER AN HOUR AND A HALF to get to your office to see the DOCTOR that you are now telling me you DIDN'T schedule me to see?  Nooooooooooooooo, there's no problem with that.  (cue my internal growling)  Externally, my sad, sorry allergy-ridden self just said, "Well I suppose it has to be OK since I'm already here."  What was I supposed to say?  "No, please reschedule me with the doctor and let's do another four month wait and forget about the fact that I drove an hour and a half to get to your clinic."

That just rang my bell and put me in a bad mood.  I decided to just shake it off as I waited my turn.  I noticed that every woman was either skinny or pregnant.  Just my luck.  Of COURSE they were skinny or pregnant.  It probably wouldn't have bothered me if I wasn't already in a bad mood, but it did bother me today.  Ugh.

I went in and got my vitals taken.  I've actually lost 7 pounds from December according to this scale.  That perked me up a bit.  Then the NP came in.  I realize that this was a yearly visit and an initial consult, still bothered me when she said that most of the time irregular periods are caused by a metabolic disorder.  I politely interrupted and told her I had PCOS.  "Oh, you do?  How long have you had that diagnosis?"  (grumble, growl)  "I've had the diagnosis for over 2 years."  (IT WAS ON THE PAPERWORK I HAD TO FILL OUT IN TRIPLICATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)  "Well, the standard treatment for PCOS is metformin.  We'll start you back on that and get you losing weight before we do any other treatments to see if we can get you ovulating on your own."  Oh, and no clomid for at least six months--they want to see if I can get pregnant on my own...JUST MY LUCK.

I knew I probably wouldn't get anything this visit, but I still had this tiny hope that I wouldn't get just told to lose weight.  Here is my prescription for the next month:

Obesity--(Was I really unaware of this????)  You need to lose 10% of your body weight.  When you lose this 26 pounds, you'll probably start ovulating on your own and everything will be better.

Food Journal---Keep a journal for the next month and bring it with you to your next appointment so you can talk to a nutritionist about food choices and caloric intake.  (Because, you know, the only way you can gain weight is if you eat too many calories and don't exercise--PCOS NEVER messes with my sarcasm showing?)

Metformin--Start taking your metformin again and up the dose.  It should help you to lose some weight.
(It will, because it makes me sick as a dog and I don't eat...but I'll take it to be a good patient.)

Soooo....I have another appointment in a month, where I will be told how to eat healthy, lose more weight, and exercise more.  Because losing weight will magically fix my body and allow me to get pregnant.  Just my luck.

On the plus side, I didn't cry when she handed me the informational brouchure on PCOS (which by now I could have written myself--with a LOT more compassion), I didn't cry when she told me to just lose some weight, and I didn't cry until I got to my car.  I considered that a small victory. 

I just really need prayers right now.  I'm almost 34, just a year away from "advanced maternal age", where they start discouraging you from having children.  I'm tired of being told that I'm only fat because I have been eating the wrong things and that if I really tried, I'd be as skinny as my younger sister.  I'm tired of feeling like the world's biggest misfit because I can't have children.  I'm tired of being stuck in this rut where I can't progress on any front.  And I'm tired of having to fight for every. single. thing. 

I know that I don't have a lot of readers here, and that's OK, but I'd really, really, really like it if I could have some positive affirmations in the comments section.  I know in my head that I'm not alone and that people are praying for me, but right now I just feel isolated and alone.  I know that God has a plan here somewhere, but I can't see it right now.  I'm just, I don't know, defeated, I guess.  Got any good scriptures or words of advice?  Cause I need them, I really do.


  1. I had a good comment and accidentally lost it so let me try again... lol

    I remember my first OBGYN/RE appointment and she had me go on birthcontrol for 3 months... I thought that contradicted the reason I was there! And then they told me to lose weight and that it should kick start everything... I always told them that at 160/180 pounds I STILL didn't get my period except for MAYBE twice a year... Got down to 180 for a year since then and my two periods were medically induced...

    As far as siblings go... I have 2 brothers and 4 sisters. My biological brother is tall and skinny and in great shape... My 4 sisters, ALL 4 of them, are skinny, fit, athletic... NONE of them have to deal with this. They call themselves fat and I'm just like "REALLY?! look at ME!"

    You will get through this, one day at a time. And you are not alone!!!

    Visit our blog if you want to:

    We have two going through IVF right now. I'm waiting for another 6-18 months before we start treatments again :/

  2. I pray for you constantly. I truly don't think God would give you such a desire to be a mother if He didn't have plans to make it happen.

    Romans 12:12 - Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

    God is with you, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Don't lose faith.

  3. Ranae,

    PCOS knocks us down all the time. I've been TTC for 3 years now, and I hit "advanced maternal age" next month. I dread the dawn of my 35th birthday more then I can EVER say to anyone (and truthfully no one but other PCOSers would understand anyway). I try as much as I can to put all of the pain and frustration and anger over it out of my head, but it is never an easy thing to ignore, and it's always with you like a scar on your heart. I quit going for pap smears because even though I was going to an RE that my OB/GYN had referred me to, my OB/GYNs nurse practitioner told me the same thing yours told you on that last visit. I could maybe understand if I hadn't been going to that OB/GYN for 5 years (3 of those with the RE) and all of that wasn't in my file, but I know that nurse practitioner didn't bother to read it. She even had the nerve to say to me, "well, we want you to ovulate EVERY month when you are TTC". No shit, lady? REALLY? Is that why I've been planning my life around pills/injections/procedures/"the right time" for sex for the last 3 years now? You don't say. I can laugh about her stupidity now, but at the time it wasn't funny at all. I've been overweight since I was 8, but no one even LOOKED for a reason until my PCOS diagnoses three years ago. Since then it seems I've been at war with myself, and sadly, many days I feel like I'm losing. But, I keep this in mind, and I want you to do the same. We are RIDICULOUSLY strong. We are stronger women then ANYONE will ever give us credit for. The fact that we wake up and go about our lives everyday sad, mad or happy is a testament to what fighters we are, how much we can really endure in the face of adversity. You are a strong, beautiful, valid woman. You matter to not only the people you see everday who you know love you, but also to those of us suffering with you in the trenches. I read the blogs of other women just like us everyday to remind myself I'm not alone. Many of these women are not necessarily in my circumstances. Some of them have become pregnant, lost children, or had children, but no matter what, the scars remain. We are part of an army. We fight battles daily with our bodies, our emotions, and to some extent "the normal people" around us. But we are elite. Our otherness, I have to believe, makes us special. It teaches us patience, and faith, and caring on levels that other people will just never understand. We appreciate the things we do have so much more, because we grieve the loss of the one thing we can't have month after month, year after year. Three years into my battle, I find my tears drying up. They are still there about once a month, but I don't spend as much time on it. Instead, I try to remind myself of the wonderful things this life has afforded me instead. Be strong! You have so many things to be proud of. Sometimes it's easier to count the blessings then to focus on the darkness.

  4. I feel like I wasted so much time with my gyn, they don't go to school for this. Even if they are a little more researched, I think an RE has what we need, and they have more hope than a gyn. I know you know the love of God and let me just remind you that we have to be patient and leave it up to him, I know, not what u wanna hear right now but he gots this. :-)

    Another note on RE's, they know the value of time and don't waste it... Just an idea ;-)