Monday, April 9, 2012

Hope Springs Eternal

Hope springs eternal.  I don't know where that quote came from, but it's summarizing where I am today.  I'm trying to shake off my gloomies from that doctor visit on Thursday and get back on track to reach my goals.  What's helping me change?  Lots of stuff, but a lot of it has to do with my faith. 

First up---we've been cleaning out the office.  It's a slow process, made slower by the fact that I don't want hubby organizing my craft stuff and the fact that my allergies have made me a walking zombie for the last month.  While we were looking through papers, we found our one ultrasound picture of Elizabeth.  I had thought it was lost forever, and we both just stopped what we were doing and just stared at her.  She was so tiny, so perfect.  It was like getting a miracle all over again.  Bittersweet, because we still mourn her, but joyous because what was lost had been found. (There's a whole sermon in that, but I'll get to that at another time)

Second--I'm feeling better (allergy-wise), and I've decided that the Nurse Practitioner will not defeat me.  I'm not keeping the food journal (my small act of rebellion), but I am keeping track of my calories.  Since upping my Met dose, I have had zero on the appetite scale, and when I do eat, I am in the bathroom within 15 minutes.  I am eating because I know that I need food for energy, but I'm not eating much of anything.  I'm trying to do 100 ounces of water a day, which didn't happen yesterday, but I'll keep on it.  Then I'm going to start working out again tomorrow--when I'm able to do Curves again (I fell at school 2 weeks ago--sprained my right ankle, severely skinned the left knee, skinned my left elbow, and jammed/hyper-extended my right thumb--go me!).  I'm finally able to grip with my right hand again, so back to working out I go.  Even if I don't lose a single pound this month, I WILL be more forceful at my next appointment.  I have a hard time being hard-nosed with people because I want to give everybody the benefit of the doubt the first time I meet them.  When you bulldoze over me, blow me off, and treat me like I don't have a college education, then I get ticked.  There will be no mercy, but I will still be nice.  This will be their last chance.

Third, and perhaps definitely the most important, is that Easter was yesterday.  That may not mean a lot to you, but to me it is everything.  I got to direct our cantata yesterday, and as we were singing our praise to God, I just felt His spirit envelop me.  It was as if He was wrapping me in His love and letting me know that everything was going to work out.  How can I keep from singing His praises?  How can I ever say enough--how amazing is Your love?  How can I stay in the pit when Your desire is to lift me to the palace? 

I know that it is still going to be a rough road, and knowing me, it will be full of potholes and speed traps and problems.  But I'm not alone.  I haven't ever been alone, even when I've been at my worst.  God is right there with me, supporting me in ways that even my husband can't, reminding me over and over and over that I am HIS child, and that HE has great things in store for us, and that we WILL become parents.  My hope has been restored, my life renewed.  Hope is alive! 

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