Monday, October 3, 2011

Right Battle, Wrong Armour

Wow!  It's been one heck of a week, just like I thought it would be...anytime I try to get more serious about something, my week just explodes around me, as if daring me to make plans and try to stick to them.  So this post will be some randomness, some thoughtfulness, and a whole lot of just stuff I want to write down so I don't forget it.

***Remember, feel free to comment---I won't bite, and I might even find a way to bless you, too***

First things first---after spending over 45 days with either spotting or heavy bleeding, I can finally say for 100% certain that my cycle of doom is FINALLY over.  Where are the helium balloons, the streamers, the cake...?  Now I'm on to a new adventure of a cycle--and I have no idea of what day I'm on, simply because I was counting how long it took to stop bleeding, not when to chart as the new cycle.  Oh well, I'm just going to roll with it.

Secondly, I was surprised by something my mom did for me this weekend.  I went over to her house to help her with some computer stuff, and she handed me a box with HCG pills in it.  She watches Dr. Oz, and he had said that they're unsafe when you use them with that drastic diet plan, but that he often prescribed them for patients suffering with infertility.  So my mom wrote down all of that information, and got me a month's supply.  At this point, I don't think anything will hurt, so here I go for a month.  It was just weird, because just two weeks ago, she was chewing me out over worrying about what was going on with my body.  Massively chewing me out---as in "you should stop moping about this, the world doesn't revolve around you".  "You're making a mountain out of a molehill...if you just stop thinking about infertility your attitude will get better" kind of stuff.  She also included the "don't talk to you brother and sister about all of this stuff because they get worried about you and then I hear about it.  Some people just aren't supposed to have children and you need to get used to that idea."  Yeah...there are times when I can have conversations with her about what's going on and she's super supportive, and then I get..."the talk".  So, I'm not going to talk with her about stuff when I'm actually emotional anymore.  I really am to the "matter-of-fact, shrug-it-off" stage of this struggle with infertility.  Maybe because we have no money to go further medically and have no way to go forward with adoption/fostering, but I'm usually NOT weepy or crying anymore. 

However, every now and then, a perfect storm of stuff happens to me and I get the gloomies.  And I really want to be able to call my mom and just hear words of comfort, but that's not gonna happen, because then it means that I'm "having a fit" and "need to get off of my high horse". calls to family when I'm weepy.  (And if you know my mom in real life and you tell her about this vent, I will have to hunt you down...OK, not really, but I need this blog to be a safe place to vent and telling her what I said totally undermines that, so keep this on the QT, OK?)

OK, that was a rabbit trail I wasn't planning on talking about, but I'm not going to delete it, because, well, it happened and I want to be honest on this site.  I need to face things head-on, even things when I'm in a not-happy spot.

But the main purpose of this particular post, the one that explains the title is this:  We're well on our way to reading through the Bible in 90 days.  I am daily finding new ideas, new thoughts about the Old Testament that I hadn't ever thought of before.

ANYWAY, this morning our youth minister was leading our weekly teacher's devotional time this morning before school and he brought up something God had just hit him upside the head with---and to be honest, it was an upside-the-head moment for me, too.  He said that God impressed upon him that many times our lives are like David's when he went to battle with Goliath.  David was supposed to fight that battle.  He had prepared for it by fighting the bear and the lion that had attacked his sheep.  God had set aside that battle for David, not for anyone else.  However, when he went to fight, he was waylaid by well-meaning people like the king of Israel, who insisted that David wear the king's armour.  David was fighting the RIGHT BATTLE, the one appointed for him to fight, but if he had gone forward with someone else's armour, he wouldn't have had success, because it would have been the WRONG ARMOUR.  Just as David had to hand back the wrong armour, we too need to make sure that we are 1) fighting the right battle, and 2) wearing the right armour. 

How does this apply to my journey with infertility?  I don't know right now.  I need to meditate on this right now.  I think it's going to involve lots of prayer, talks with the hubby, and discussions with the doctor.    Check back with me in a few days..

Hopefully by then I'll be able to actually talk about it.  I've had a wordless weekend due to laryngitis, and I'm hoping that it goes away soon.  Have a blessed week, and remember that smiles go farther than frowns!


  1. For the record, if we've ever asked about you it's just because you siblings don't seem to talk to each other except through your mom. Ex. "I wonder what time they're supposed to arrive, I'll call mom." Me: "Why don't you call your sister!" Brother: "I guess that makes more sense."

    Anyhow, I'm on your side and hope you feel nothing but love and support coming from me. And I'm very proud that you've found a healthy and independent way to express yourself.

  2. I love your blog, and look forward to reading it! You remind me of someone I know and sometimes I feel like we have been friends for years! Blogging makes me feel better too, in some odd therapeutic way. Good luck with everything!