I'll be the first to admit that when it comes to difficult things, I'm a waffler. Some difficult things I see as a challenge and then do them just to prove someone wrong, while with others I just don't do them because it seems too hard. I'm going though some difficult stuff right now and I'm having to work really hard on my motivation to put everything in category one instead of category two. It's hard, especially when some of my hard stuff seems so easy to others.
Under category one, I have the ongoing issue of borrowing the tiller. My grandma owns a Mantis tiller. She is one inch taller than me, weighs 90 pounds dripping wet, and is 90. I was able to borrow the tiller last year because I lied and told her that my husband would be running the tiller. If I ask to borrow if, she says she'll just come over and do it because I'm "too little" to run the tiller. I don't get it either, but I'm waiting for it to stop raining every other day to go over and ask to borrow it. It's hard work to till the garden and the new flower beds, but I'm willing to do it because I want to honor the memory of my daughter and to be productive with a garden--it keeps me busy and helps me get out frustrations!
One of the difficult things in category two that I am in the process of overcoming is the church nursery. I was all ready to help out two years ago when I was pregnant. I signed up to be on the rotation, but the first Sunday I was supposed to help was the Sunday right after I miscarried. No one noticed that I removed my name from the roster, and no one ever asked me to help again. It's been two years, and I'm finally to the point that that room isn't too scary for me to be in it. It helped that a couple in our church has started a marriage Bible study group, and no one volunteered to help them out with childcare. I asked if they needed the help, and so Friday night I found myself alone in a room with an 8, 15, and 18 month old. I try not to think about it too much, but the 18-month old is the same age mine would have been. I did fine, I mean, I was a nanny in college, I'm a certified teacher with a certification for K-12, and I genuinely love kids. It was just a hurdle to get past. I'm going to be doing it again tonight, and I hope to have some more little ones to watch. We'll see.
As for the things that are still bothering me...my sister is due to deliver her second son in a little over a month, and I'm still not ready to deal with that. I was OK when my brother and his wife had their little girl, and I didn't get too bad about holding her (partly because I didn't get to meet her until she was 3 months old, and partly because they weren't worried that I'd drop her). But my sister is a different story. When her first son was born, I got to hold him in the hospital, my heart melted, and my husband and I began talking about starting our family. Then I got pregnant and miscarried. During that time, when my nephew was about 3-4 months old, he got to spend his first night with grandma and grandpa. My sister left three pages of instructions about his care, and right there in the top 20 instructions was the one that said I was not to hold him "because she might drop him". I have balance issues. When I'm tired. It was like a slap across the face that she thought I would hold a baby when I was dizzy. My mom had me hold him anyway, and my mom was the one that made me hold him after my m/c. I know I'll fall in love with the new nephew too, but I don't think I can deal with "instructions" again. I guess there is a part of me that's afraid that if I touch him, something will go wrong and I'll be blamed for it.
So I've got a month and a half to work on my attitude regarding the new nephew. I think my parents will be upset if I don't go see him in the hospital or within the first week of his life, but I don't know if it's a good idea to touch him until he's older. Who ever heard of it being difficult to just hold a baby? I mean, that's what women do, right? Of course women are also supposed to be moms just like that and we all know where I am on that issue. Ugh. I'll get there, I'm just going to need to reallllllly lean on the Lord for this one.
I also still need a job. I'm to the point where I just want to walk into a superintendent's office and say--Just pay me that wages of a first-year teacher. I don't have to be paid like a 10-year teacher. Almost every job I applied for last year, they told me I was the best interviewee, but then they hired someone right out of school. It stinks. I haven't heard back from one school yet this year. It's getting disheartening. I know it will work out in the end, but this is year two of the job thing too, and I really need good news in that front, too. God will provide, He will provide. If I just say that long enough, it might sink in and help to relieve some of that stress.