Thursday, November 18, 2010

Thankful and Hopeful

So...It's been a while since I posted.  I haven't intended to be away this long, but sometimes I just need to step back and not think about my journey for a's hard to explain unless you're also in this moment.  I just needed a break.

Since it's so close to Thanksgiving, I thought I would devote some of this post to what I'm thankful for.  First of all, I'm thankful to be a child of God--that trumps everything.  Second, I'm thankful for an amazing husband who is my soulmate and who is far more than I ever hoped for.  Third, I'm thankful for my family--they're totally awesome and have enriched my life more than I feel I deserve.  Fourth, I'm thankful for my nieces and nephew--they make me light up!

I am also thankful for getting to hold a baby at church last night.  You might not think it's much, but his mom handed him to me.  That doesn't just happen to me.  Since I had a miscarriage 19 months ago, I've not really held one.  For the first few months, it hurt to much to hold one, and then as time wore on, it felt like no one really trusted me around infants.  So,  I've just not really touched them.  I love children dearly, but since I'm not a member of the "mommy club" it seems that most of them don't think I'm capable of being able to hold one.  This mom at church probably has no idea what she did to my self-confidence, but it was nice to hold one again.

Under my hopeful paragraph, I'm hopeful that I'll be a mom someday.  We spent the last weekend with my nephew, and watching my husband interact with him just about tore my heart out.  Most people don't see that side of my husband, but I know he'll make an excellent dad, and I really want him to be a daddy.  I had to step out of the room for a bit, because I was so teary--in a good way, but teary.  I have to put my hope in the Lord, and my trust.  That's the hard part, the trusting, because it means that I take my burden out of my hands and put it in God's hands.  He is infinitely more capable of taking care of things than I am, but I always seem to think I can do things better.  I guess part of it is that I think He's so busy helping out people with real problems, and I don't want to bother Him with my "petty" problems.  I know it's wrong thinking, and I'm working on it. 

I'm still a work in progress, which brings me to my last thankful item.  Thank goodness I'm not a completed work.  That won't occur until heaven, but until then, I need to keep growing in faith and working on becoming the woman He wants me to be.

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