As I sit here, there are just about 60 hours left until my next surgery to remove the epic-sized kidney stone. I'll admit it---I'm mildly terrified.
Don't get me wrong, I want all of this behind me. I'm not even worried about dying during surgery--which is such a remote possibility that I shouldn't think about it--but when you almost don't make it through a very minor procedure and you lose your best friend 45 minutes after saying goodbye to her, things like this kinda stick with you.
I guess what I'm worried about is the stuff I've left undone...becoming a teacher again, having a baby of my own that's alive, telling everyone I know about my Savior, being completely debt-free, owning a real house, not getting to hold the nieces and nephews, leaving my family and friends behind...I want to say that I've lived a life with no regrets, but I do have some---those times when I was not the person I was created to be.
I don't think I'll die on the operating table, mostly due to the fact that I'm going to owe the hospital so much money that they won't allow me to pass away! But since NOTHING has gone the way they told me it would and nothing seems to have gone right since I've been home, I think I'm safer to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
So what would I have to gain if I don't wake up? EVERYTHING. I will be reunited with loved ones. I'll get to hold my daughter in my arms for the first time. I don't know if she'll be an infant, a toddler, or a grown woman when I see her, but I can't wait to touch her, to see her, to hear her voice. We will spend eternity together, and I'll probably want to keep her right by me for about 1,000 years. I'll get to see my Savior, my Creator, my Life. I'll probably be so in awe of Him that I won't be able to speak for a millinea, but when I do, I have a list of questions for Him. I know that in heaven I'll understand everything and nothing will be a mystery. I'll know exactly where my wedding ring has disappeared to, why my body refused to work, how it was that it seemed like all my dreams were killed, why it looked like evil always triumphed...you know, those simple, easy questions...
I don't want to leave this earth yet, though. I have so much I want to do, to be. I want to tell everyone I know about my Christ, about how to be that kind of person who inspires others to be their best. My husband tells me that I'm already that kind of person, but I feel that I fall short so very often.
So, as I await this final surgery, I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, I am prepared to close my eyes here on earth to open them in heaven. But on the other hand, I really want to wake up to see my husband smiling at me here and feeling good enough to be able to lose this weight and meet my goals. I want to live intentionally and purposefully--to be the woman that God wants me to be. I'm gonna need all the help I can get.